Go and Be and Do

There have been times in my life, seemingly endless, when I could dream, but I couldn't do.

To qualify, this is something that I felt was true, based on my headspace and life circumstances, but it wasn't truly true.

It took a long time to learn that I could create boundaries, and just where in the world to start.

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I was living in a household with a father who behaved abusively. Saying we walked on eggshells would be more forgiving than our reality. The environment I grew up in was tense, and could fluctuate hourly based on his mood.

Sometimes I would perceive things to be fine and try to make connection ("Dad, I scored a goal in practice today"), and sometimes I was very, very wrong.

This volatility made me untrusting of my own self, because I could not control my mornings, my evenings, the car rides. So I relinquished control to forces outside myself, and collapsed inward.

To be stunted at a young age is a series of valleys and mountains. I would lie in the valleys, unmoving, and allow the sun to burn me without understanding that I could move, or better yet - run.

I would slowly ascend the mountains, until I looked up and saw only more moutain ahead. With no peak in sight, I set up camp. And I waited. I waited in distrust for my own abilities, and anger at the world for not rescuing me. I waited for nearly 10 years.

I was simultaneously enlivened by the possibilities when I made it out of his world and into college, and exhausted by the prospects of just how far I would have to travel to build enough distance and stability to avoid the valleys.

So again, I sat. And I waited.

I sat and I waited through my undergraduate years and nearly half of graduate school. When finally, the compressed energy inside me exploded and I trusted myself enough to make my own life, and create boundaries that stood tall.

I wrote a page-long letter to my father, informing him that my life could no longer converge with his.

I was harassed over email, with letters, a very dark Youtube video manifesto, by family members. When he found where I worked and informed the secretary he was "here to surprise his daughter," I went to the courts.

And I lost.

In the four years since, I have dug my heels into the Earth and have refused to sit down. I have discovered only by doing, that I can do.

I have never daydreamed or planned myself into doing, I have only done.

How We Create Our Lives, By First Learning to Create Boundaries

I need to start off by saying that we do not all start in the same place. Not even close.

Some people start behind the starting line, and have miles to go through poverty, racism, lack of adequate education, and other traumas.

Despite not all starting at the same line, we all can move forward step-by-step toward the lives we want to have.

No valley is too deep, no mountain is too tall.

What I've done in my small life to help me stay in the fight, and climb the mountains has made all the difference.

Find your people

If I didn't constantly surround myself with people who were willing to both hold my hand and tell it like it is, I would still be sitting down.

Build your circle with people you admire, and your worldview will begin to change. When your worldview changes, you are able to see the peak. When you can see the peak, you are more likely to pick up the trek.

Find examples of those who model what it takes to create boundaries, and begin drawing lines for your life as well.

Take small steps

So you want to become a chef, but have you picked up that spatula?

Sit down with your vision and work backwards to identify the small steps to get there.

My vision was to be happy. I just wanted to be free from pain, and be happy. What that really meant was tackling anxiety, depression, and learned helplessness.

My small steps included taking time to make myself my favorite breakfasts, prioritizing going to bed on time (9:00PM is on time for me), cycling through therapists until I found one I could jive with, and saying "yes" to being with friends when I really wanted to stay in bed.

These were not all in the same day, but they did move me even a teeny bit forward when I took these steps.

Make your goal to move toward your goal. To do.

Build your self care routine and follow it

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You can't pour from an empty cup (I definitely did not invent that saying, but I sure do love it).

You cannot do, when your cup is empty.

Make a list of your self care tools (take a bubble bath on Sundays, get your favorite takeout on Tuesdays, wind down with a cup of tea and a book before bed twice a week) and do them!

Create boundaries that insulate and nurture your ability to do. When you take care of your mind and body, your mind and body are more able to show up for you.

Self care is a nonnegotiable!

Evaluate and adjust

Do you feel stuck? Are you trying to take big leaps and getting tired? Have your priorities changed and your goal no longer serves you?

Adjust, don't give up.

Life is not linear. Some days we're crushing it, and other days it feels like we're being crushed.

None of your time is wasted when it's spent on yourself, no matter if you've made "progress" or not. Allow for failures and feeling like shit sometimes and take a break, then make a new plan.

Be okay with goodbyes

If someone makes you feel like shit, say bye.

I don't mean run away from every confrontation or hurt feeling. I mean you are in charge of protecting your happy.

You are in charge of protecting your ability to do.

Trust your dang self and make space only for those who see you.

Everyone else can kiss it.

I hope that reading this has given you newfound fuel to do. Create boundaries that serve you, take a step in the direction you want, and get a glimpse of the peak.

Truthfully yours,

Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia

Looking for more ways to build yourself up? Check out these posts:

Let's Talk about Therapy - An in-depth perspective of what it's like to go to therapy, addressing expectations, and tips for getting the most of of your experience.

Setting Boundaries: How, Why, and What to Expect - Building boundaries starts with first knowing yourself - How do you want to spend your time? How do you feel best supported? When do you not feel supported, and how do you want to respond? Check out this article for insight on why boundary building is important, and how to design boundaries in your life that best support you.

How to Protect Your Peace - How to talk to people who aren't listening, while still protecting your most valuable resource - your peace of mind.