Resolutions and Striving Toward "Arrived"
We all do it - We all say, “Once I ____, then everything will be fine.” Or “I will finally feel like me when ___.” Or maybe “If only I could get/do/be/feel ____, then things would be better.”
One word: Nope.
You are always you.
There is no such thing as “Arrived.”
You can be a work in progress and still feel solidly you.
Go ahead and fill in the blanks, I know I’m not alone in these thoughts and the good news is you aren’t alone in them either!
Maybe you made a resolution for this year that you’re not actually inspired to complete. Or maybe your resolution is based on someone else’s idea of what your life should look like.
Whatever the case, let’s talk about it.
The Fallacy of “Arrived”
Here is a very true story about my young self:
I was petrified of getting my ears pierced. The thought of that tiny plastic gun shooting a needle through my ear lobe was just too gut-wrenching to get past. And so, my “Everything will be fine when___” became “Everything will be fine when I suck it up and get my ears pierced.”
Well, buckle up adolescent me! Because that is not what happened.
I got my ears pierced when I was 12 - because my younger sister was getting hers pierced and I couldn’t live with the shame, so I got them double-pierced in one shot.
What a day.
Fast forward 10 years later and I have a new understanding of this thing called life on the Hedonic treadmill.
What is the Hedonic Treadmill
The Hedonic treadmill is a term I first learned in a social psychology class of 76 students, 24 of whom routinely showed up to class. But I digress. Essentially it means that the target is always moving. There will never be a (lasting) moment when you feel you have “arrived” and your problems are no more.
When we get something we have always wanted or associated with endless happiness and a solution to all of our suffering, we enjoy it for awhile.
But awhile is not forever.
And we eventually return to our same levels of happiness or discontentedness when the excitement of the thing we got or accomplished wears off.
Once I solved the problem I thought was standing between me and a lifetime of happiness, getting my ears pierced, I saw many more things in need of attention.
“Once I move out and go to college everything will be fine”
“Once I get my braces off everything will be fine”
“After therapy session 1289 I will not have anxiety anymore, and I will be fine”
“Once the courts give me a civil protection order everything will be fine”
“When I start making real money everything will be fine”
One thing I know for certain, is that the pursuit of fine is valiant, and constantly changing. The target is always moving and the treadmill is always presenting you with new track to climb.
Arrived is not a place we ever stay for long. Arrived is a very popular Airbnb destination and although the coffee bar is outstanding, our brains don’t vacation here for long.
This treadmill of life can seem stressful. You might think, “Will anything make me actually happy?” And the answer is both yes and no.
Having goals and aspirations keeps us from staying stagnant in our lives. But believing that “I will feel happy when ___” will ensure that you are always unhappy, even if ___ arrives at your doorstep with a burrito bowl that you forgot you ordered an hour and a half ago.
How to Step Off the Treadmill and into Your Life
Hop on that gratitude train! Tickets are free for an unlimited time!
Have you ever felt stuck in a 'meh' headspace, and someone told you to try counting your blessings?
When you're feeling down, as we all have experienced at some point or another in the last year, being told to get grateful can feel pretty darn dismissive.
But guess what, your friend who told you to put a pen to paper and list out your blessings is actually 100% right, even if the advice feels irritating at the time.
You aren't ungrateful if you have this initial reaction to being told to think of what's going right in your life, but your brain really does respond to positive reframing positively.
I am certainly grateful for wifi to video chat. I have gotten to meet my friends' new babies over Zoom this past year, and I have loved every minute of oohing and ahhing over internet waves.
Gratitude anchors me in love of my everyday life.
Try it on and see how it feels!
Expressing gratitude is not B.S., it’s a legit and powerful mindful medicine.
There are so many powerful (and grateful) women that I love to learn from who help me uplevel my mindset and spend more time in gratitude. You probably know them too.
Brene Brown
How many articles will I write that mention Brene Brown? The limit does not exist.
Brene, Dr. Brown, Queen of Vulnerabilty, or however you refer to her has conducted years of research on intangible messy human emotions, and she knows her stuff. Her data tells us that getting grateful is an essential way for us to battle so many negative feelings in our life like fear and negative self talk loops.
One such loop being our lengthy waiting for that “arrived” feeling, and another being how quickly satisfaction dissipates when we actually get what we want and turn our attention instead to the next thing.
Do yourself a favor and pack your nightstand with her books. Your brainspace will thank you!
Glennon Doyle
The Untamed cheetah herself not only graces us with her words, but also hosts thoughtful “Morning Meetings” live on her Instagram. To address all the hype about creating your “word of the year” for 2021, Glennon told us her word of the year and it’s pure gold.
STET.
I’ll let her do the explaining, because it’s her own idea and obviously she explains it way more eloquently and genuinely than I ever could, but here’s the gist. STET is used in the publishing industry for authors to go through the edits provided to them on their drafts, and choose whether to accept the editor’s suggestions or write “STET.”
Glennon explains this to mean that you are accepting your work as it is. You meant what you meant and said what you said, and you’re happy with it.
She goes on further to discuss “Life porn.” What is life porn you ask? It’s all the commercials, friends’ vacation photos, curated Instagram feeds from celebrities or brands that tell us how life is supposed to look.
And watching all this life porn makes us feel like our lives aren’t good enough, and won’t be good enough until it looks like the life porn.
“My life won’t be good enough until ___”
“It won’t feel like Christmas until ____”
“If only I could ____ like she did and then I’ll feel ____”
Life porn is a lie, just like real porn. It’s acting.
And if you act your way through your life, which is a natural reaction to being told you should be something or do something that is not authentically you, you will never feel happy with your life and you will sprint on that treadmill past very good things you didn’t see.
Say STET to your life. Spend time in gratitude for what you have in your right-now-life.
You have arrived at today, and so today is your Arrived.
If you feel like you’ve been resisting your real self by trying to integrate all of these shoulds into your own life, you’re not alone. We could fill stadiums of ladies who have felt this same way. Surprise! I’m one of them!
Resolutions for Your Real Self
Resolutions are essentially goals that are pressure cooked into mush by societal expectations of rushed transformation. Don’t let your goals turn to mush because you tried to cram them in a tight timeline to conform to some Weight Watchers success story.
If you made a resolution that’s aligned to only your vision for your life, then that’s amazing!
If you’re one of the gazillions of people who felt like you had to make a steep resolution in order to validate or prove that you can accomplish something after a stagnated 2020, I get it.
Here’s some resolutions to consider trying on that will help you remember that you are you and your life is your life no matter what you have or what you do or don’t do:
“I will challenge my negative thoughts with evidence of their falsehood, and ask for help if I can’t debunk them on my own*” *See: “I will get a therapist”
“I will say one positive thing to myself everyday when I wake up and brush my teeth”
“I will reach out to a friend every time I need additional help pulling myself out of a slump”
“I will write down two things I am grateful for before going to bed each night”
“I will ask a family member for recipes and cook for myself once a month and spend time appreciating each time this same meal was once cooked for me”
“I will unfollow accounts on social media or unsubscribe from emails that make me feel stressed, apathetic, jealous, or any emotion that is not serving my best self”
“I will step off the treadmill when I’m feeling like my life is less than, and I will spend time practicing love for what I have until I can fully reset with my own intentions for my own life.”
Welcome to your life, it’s beautiful.
I hope on your pursuit of Arrived that you also trip over Joy and Love and Self-Confidence.
Yours - now with 7 ear piercings,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
Check Out these Related Posts
What is Self Acceptance and How Do I Get it?
The Path Forward is There, Even if You Can’t See It
Why Your Self Care Routine Isn’t Working
Investing in Yourself: Why it’s the Best Decision You’ll Ever Make
Grab the Guided Journal
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